You are my Muse
by Arganos
Summary: Anna was her Muse. She was her one true love. She was her sister. But what is Happiness when the sole reason of it's existent hasn't presented itself for 3 years? She's forgotten the meaning of Joy. Happiness. Love. But will she remember those emotions even if her sister wakes from her deep slumber? Elsanna/ModernAU/Incest/Angst/Depression/Anxiety


**A/N**

 **PLEASE READ :**

 **Hey all, I** **'ve already finished Chapter 4 of W &C but my charger is so fucked up and I don't have a beta so when I try to make change to it, or edit words, it literally dies on me the moment I'm almost done with it (DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW FRUSTRATING THAT IS?!). Also, Sorry about disappearing, but I feel like this new fic I'm creating is way more expressive to me because it's Modern AU plus I can relate to it, and it's taking me so long to make edits to this as well, I'm gonna buy a new laptop soon and hopefully the fuckery that is my poor excuse of a charger is over with. When I wrote W&C I'd just finished watching Merlin for the 8** **th** **time (lol). I couldn't really update back then because after I posted chapter 3, so much shit went downhill in my life, my parents, my siblings, friends, so much death and it all just fucked with my head so much, I went into a huge depressing state of mind, I was diagnosed with Anxiety (I can still remember my first panic attack and I wouldn't wish that onto my worst enemies), but I've cut ties with so many people since then, so hopefully this is a new beginning. Thanks, and here's chapter one! I'll try to update as often as possible, just don't make a shitload of requests if anyone's reading this.**

 **Warning : Incest,Angst, Depression, Anxiety, fluff, sisterly love, Angst, Angst, Angst.**

 **-A**

* * *

 **You are my Muse**

 **Chapter : 1**

 **POV: Elsa Colburn**

 **Age: (19)**

 **Date: Dec 28th, 2015**

I never knew that maybe that was the last time I would tell her I loved her more than Music. Maybe if I expressed it more, Maybe if I kept repeating it, I could have evaded the incident, maybe my broken heart wouldn't feel this dark. Maybe it wouldn't feel so alone. Maybe it wouldn't feel so hollow and I wouldn't feel all this sadness mixed with sorrow. Maybe it was a sign, maybe it was a signal that it may be the last time I would express myself to her. But oh, this is life. The ever wonderful, giving, piece of shit. Filled with surprises, and loves to turn everything upside down. Such a depressing place for me. Such a depressing life to have. Such a depressing person to be. Sometimes I wish I could end it all, because I can't take it. I sit alone sometimes and try to figure out where everything went wrong. Why things happened the way they did, and how? For what reason? Why couldn't we enjoy the time we had, and make even more memories? Why did it have to happen? Why me? The mess in my head, it's not even close to a sanctuary. A place only I can be. It's filled me with so much hate. Why? Because life gives, but mostly takes.

What a poor, pathetic excuse for happiness. What is 'Happiness' when the sole existence of it was taken away from me? Some days I'd get a catastrophic panic attack just trying to remember what 'Happiness' like, because the moment I do, I remember that I can't feel that feeling anymore due to the fact that the girl who'd bring out the best in me isn't here for the time being. Maybe she will never be, and that thought scares the hell out of me. I've been waiting for 3 years now. Every month. Every week. Every day. Every minute. Every second. Every millisecond. Time is irrelevant to me now. I've lost all hope. I've lost all happiness. I've no trust in anyone. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to feel anymore. So I shut down. I don't think. I don't feel. I don't know love. I talk to none. I speak to none. I've frozen my heart.

It all started when the only person I loved with all of my heart had abandoned me. Maybe that's not the right word. She didn't leave me intentionally, she never would. I believed that, and I truly trusted it, like I believed her, and trusted her. She was my everything. She still is. But I just hope she hadn't forgotten me. She was the reason I started writing Music. Ever since she was born. The one I'd called my other half. Ever sine we were kids, wherever we would go, whatever we would do, why we did it, she was my partner in crime. She was my partner in life. She was my partner in the hereafter and I just knew it. Or so I believed in it, even though I was 2 years older than she. Elsa and Anna. Our family and friends never called us by our names alone, it was always, Elsa and Anna. Anna and Elsa. To be perfectly honest, I can't recall the last time I was happy without Anna. I can only recall my time with her as the best time of my life. I remember when my mother told me she'd been pregnant with a baby girl of 4 months in her belly in 1998, and I started bawling my eyes out. Not because of Jealousy. No, never that. But because of how happy I'd been that I won't have just an older brother, but a younger sister who I can play with, share my secrets with, teach her, play with her, just be a perfect and fun older sister who she could look up to, have someone come to about problems that I would solve, and enemies who I'd be willing to kill for her, questions that I'd have the answer to. A 2 year old with a big heart of an ancient woman, a bit complex but that certainly explains myself. That was how it all was in the beginning and midst of it. So perfect, what I expected, how I planned it. She loved me, and I loved her. That's all that mattered at the time.

* * *

 **Day: Christmas Noon.**

 **Year: 2012**

 **Time: 12:00 PM**

 **Colburn Sisters**

 **Name-Age**

 **Elsa Colburn : 16(Daughter)**

 **Anna Colburn : 14(Daughter)**

" _Elsa!" The voice of a 14 year old early bloomer with a soft lilt to it arouse her from her deep slumber. As she opened her eyelids, slowly adjusting to the lighting of the room, she raised her hands in hopes of alleviating some of the sleep that glued itself to her closed eyes, and tried shaking her head in hopes of evacuating the drowsiness that had overtaken her._

 _Slowly managing to sit up from her bed, she groaned lightly, arching her brows in an annoyed method, and squinted her eyes._

 _Her sister was clad in a tight green, long sleeved shirt, wearing some ripped at the knee skinny jeans with gray ankle socks, and had her red, wavy hair flowing down her shoulders. "*Yawn* God...Anna...don't you know...better...than to wake...a sleeping person by yelling?" She said in a sleepy, passive tone due to her snoozy state of drowsiness._

 _Said girl didn't seem to mind at all while she stood at the foot of Elsa's bed and simply looked at Elsa with a secretive, yet knowing smirk._

" _Don't tell me...were you up all night again writing music and forgot what day it is today?"_

 _As Elsa yawned again and covered her mouth with her right hand because she really hated how her morning breath smelled, she took her left hand's thumb and forefinger and rubbed at both of her eyes to properly articulate her brain, and looked at Anna in a state of confusion and sleepiness._

" _yes...I did, you know how much I love Music, baby Anna. What day is it today?" She arched her left brow higher than her right to express her curiosity._

 _Anna meanwhile folded one hand over the other, and mirrored her look as she sat on the corner of Elsa's bed._

" _You love Music more than Baby Anna?" She said softly in a small voice as she tucked her top lip underneath her bottom one._

 _Elsa melted at the sight, and almost felt her eyes water and go wide, not sure if it was because she was really sleepy and disturbed at being woken up, or at the adorable look that had managed to have butterflies swirling in her stomach and made her arms freeze halfway when she was attempting to steady herself on her bed._

" _I-" Her mouth opened and closed a few times, her eyes dilating all the while. She let out a soft giggle at herself, and tried to calm herself down. She didn't know how or why her sister seemed to get a priceless reaction out of her just by being her usual adorable self._

 _She then looked at Anna with a pointed look, which quickly turned into amusement. "You're trying to make a fool out of me so early hmm?"_

 _The younger sister looked at her sister with humor hidden behind her eyes, "You do realize it's 12:00 PM right? and you didn't answer my question."_

 _Elsa looked at her with a frightened comical expression and crossed her arms to clutch at them with her hands, "Oooooh, I tremble with fear! So serious!"_

 _Anna couldn't contain herself at how funny her older sibling appeared, and exposed the full blown laughter she's been hiding since she'd awoken Elsa up when she jolted from her sleep (But she wouldn't tell her how hilarious she looked.)_

 _After about 30 seconds of hysterical laughing (on Anna's part) and Elsa giggling softly, Anna looked at her again with pursed lips._

 _"Do you love me more than you love Music?" Elsa was taken aback by how serious Anna's tone was, and the look she was giving her. 'Might as well tease her a bit.'_

 _"Hmmm...Well, I don''t know..." She knitted her eyebrows, raised her eyes to the ceiling and directed her index finger to her chin in order to make it look like she was earnestly considering her question, while biting her bottom lip with her teeth._

 _Anna gasped and playfully swatted Elsa's shoulder as she crawled a bit closer to her._

 _"You're a big meanie." She puffed up her cheeks, and turned her head the opposite direction of Elsa's, while she crossed her arms then put her left leg on top of her right. 'So cute! She looks like a squirrel!'_

 _"Awww, baby Anna mad?" Elsa cooed, then covered her mouth with the back of her hand while she giggled at the attempted furious look Anna sent her way._

 _"Shut up! And here I was being sweet and trying to get you to say you love me." She got off Elsa's bed and tried making a 'chin held high walk' to the door, but Elsa quickly removed her covers, and jumped up after her and held her arm while she twisted her body towards her and Anna found herself being pressed against her older sister, while her face was buried in her neck and her blonde mane of hair. She felt Elsa's hold on her body tighten some more, and shivered when she felt Elsa's long nails scratching at the back of her head in a soothing motion. She shyly curled her arms around her older sibling, but refused to look in her eyes._

 _"Look at me." She heard the serious tone in her sister's raspy, yet feminine voice when she said it exceptionally close to her ears. She could feel the blood leaving her body and focus only on her face. She shook her head in the negative and felt her sister's hold on the back of her head absence itself, subsequently feeling those long fingers cup her chin and gently forced her to look into her eyes, or attempted to because Anna kept darting her eyes left and right, not wanting to give in._

 _"Don't be like that. I was just teasing you." She felt her sister's warm touch ascending to her cheek, while her thumb was rubbing in a gentle way next to her lips._

 _She finally gave in and brought her eyes to meet her sister's, the ones that she always managed to get lost in. It felt like a spark, every time they were this close, ever since they were kids. They always seemed to make her feel at ease and pacify her._

 _They stayed that way for about a minute, until Elsa leaned closer and placed her soft lips against the tip of her nose. Then kissed her under her left eye, then her right eye. Then she completed the moment by seizing her sister's lips. It was simply but a peck. A peck that only lasted 4 seconds. But it had prompted a feeling only the two sister's lost in that moment could recall. A burning, within their abdomens. A Spark. An ignition of emotions. A tightness in their chests, but not the bad kind. No, the one that left you feeling all giddy and needy afterwards, the one where you feel the warmth, tenderness, and and wholehearted fondness. The one where your affections exceed._

 _Soon after, the two at close proximity enveloped around the other. The younger wrapped her arms around the older's neck, and nuzzled her face in her neck, while the older of the two wrapped her arms under the younger's arms, and placed her chin on top of her head, where every now and then, she caressed her head with her lips in a meaningful process._

 _Anna started purring, lost in the contentment. She placed a kiss at the base of her older sister's throat, and went back to nuzzling her neck, when Elsa suddenly spoke up._

 _"I love you." She sighed, and nudged her sister's cheek with hers._

 _Anna giggled in a soft, raspy way, and pressed a kiss to her sister's chin._

 _"I love you too."_

 _Elsa chuckled, and started scratching the younger one's head while she hugged her and returned a kiss to Anna's chin and said, "I love you more."_

 _The younger then scoffed, followed by a roll of her eyes, "I love you the most."_

 _The older smiled a crooked smile, and then nudged Anna's nose with hers, "I love you the mostest."_

 _Her sister then gave her a doubtful grin and said, "That's not even a word. But, if we're making words up now to describe who loves who more, I love you the absolute, ultimate, greatest, largest, and utmost morestmostest."_

 _Elsa gave a tired giggle, looked her in the eyes, and winked, "Well, I'll let you have it this time, you used pretty big words, baby Anna!"_

 _Anna pulled away, and craned her neck while nodding slowly and clicking her tongue, "Tsk, you ruined the moment."_

 _Elsa laughed and sent a kiss her way, when Anna pretended to catch it and throw it, she laughed even harder, "Who's the mean one now?"_

 _"Pfffft, not me, you started this."_

 _When she walked towards her younger sibling, she held her hand and linked their arms together, "Come on, let's go downstairs, I'm starving." she whined then Anna stopped right in front of her, and Elsa almost tripped._

 _"What? what is it? Am I forgetting something?"_

 _"So, Me or Music? and yes, you are, wash your face, and brush your teeth." She crossed her arms in front of her again, emphasizing authority._

 _She said, sarcasm lacing her words "Yes, mom. Anything else?"_

 _"Answer the question." She pursed her lips. 'I love how you care so much about me loving you.'_

 _Elsa smiled genuinely, and with sure, heartfelt words, she spoke, "You. I love you. I love you more than I love Music. You are my Muse. You are my Everything." Her eyes and smile grew even wider as she spoke, and took sure steps towards her 14 year old sister and picked her up bridal style, and held her closer to her chest._

 _Anna was laughing that beautiful laugh of hers. The one where she laughed with all of her heart, the laugh where she felt immensely happy, and just so content. Glad to hear the words from Elsa's mouth, and kissed her sister's cheek._

 _"So now I'm your Muse?"_

 _"You are so much more than that to me."_

* * *

And she was. Is. She IS Everything to me. My Muse. My one true love? How can I be happy without her by my side? I've been trying to find the answer for 3 years now and it just won't present itself to my head.

As I lay down in bed, I try to think where it all went wrong again, the same routine for 3 years now. I think of the last time I was asleep peacefully. But what comes to mind is just but hours between the last time I was woken up by her, the moment that destroyed all there is to my being.

I remember it all so clearly. The faint memory that haunts me everyday, the same memory that forbade me from going to sleep for 3 years now. The one where my heart pounds just from remembering the incident, the one where I was awake during all of it. I remember the screams of my family members, My Father Algar Colburn, my Mother, Jorunn Colburn, My older brother, Elmar Colburn, and my dear, beautiful, lovely and warm Anna Colburn. The incident that put my happiness, and life on hold.

* * *

 **A/N:**

 **Sooo sorry about the cliffhanger, loves. But, that marks Chap.1, I hope you liked it, and if you did, Fav, Follow, Please show some love to motivate me to update frequently. I'm in the process of editing Chap.4 of W &C and I don't want this story to take as much time getting to Chap.4 as W&C did, so be sure to just show me some love, and try to make me happy because I have big plans for this story because I can relate to all the Angst, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, so hopefully it'll go in a nice direction eventually. I promise you'll love this, it'll be a very emotional story, but since it's in my hands and I feel what Elsa does, then don't worry, All's good. W&C was kinda frustrating for me to write because it was supposed to be a happy story, then in the same year I had 6 family members die, and I didn't know how to feel so I kinda just shut down. Hopefully things are looking well, I don't know though because life is full of surprises.**

 **ALSO! IF YOU'RE WAITING FOR AN UPDATE, CHECK OUT "All For Her" By : LiveandLove1989, If you like Angst, Elsanna, Incest, then you gotta fucking read it, I'm loving it so far! **

**Thanks for stopping by!**

 **Happy reading**

 **-A**


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